We understand that your cat and/or toy dog, and gay friend were there before us, and you’re attempting to integrate us into your life. We appreciate your efforts and we’re happy that you’re exposing us to your world, but don’t expect us to develop any true affection for these parts of your life. Of this trio, your little toy dog has the only shot at making any connection with us.

Most men that grow up with dogs, grow up with real dogs that can stand on their hind legs and steal a sandwich off of the counter.  We typically don’t grow up with cats until we go over to our weird aunt’s house which is where our hatred for cats started. To most men, cats serve no purpose. They show no emotion or affection when you come home and they can’t do a damn thing. They can’t fetch, catch a frisbee, guard the house, or give you that liquid love known as slobber. Cats are lazy people’s animals. You don’t have to walk them, they poop in a gross box you keep in the house, and there is no reason to put one in your car for companionship while running errands or going to the pet store. Most importantly if we ourselves happen to have a real dog like a Lab, German Sheppard, Rottie, or Boxer, and we decide to marry you or move you in, our dog goes into exile in the garage, basement, or backyard. And don’t even think about telling me to get rid of my dog because he doesn’t get along with your useless cat. That’s a deal breaker. If we don’t have a dog, now we can’t get one until your cat dies or we have kids that want a real pet. However, since we are into you, we can usually adjust to the cat and eventually tolerate its presence, even if our dog has to go in the basement for the rest of his life. Stupid cats.

At least your toy dog is a dog so there is a remote chance of bonding with this underdeveloped canine. But we’re going to experience some frustration at the frailty of a 10 pound dog that we can’t wrestle with, rough up, or play tug of war with for fear of pulling its teeth out. This dog is more like a cat with some character than it is a dog. We hate the license that you give this dog to jump on everything and sleep in your bed. Don’t expect me to sleep with you and your dog. I don’t sleep with mine, and he’s a real dog. Your little ratty gerbil has to get out of the bedroom if you want me in it. Non-negotiable.

As progressive as we may seem, a regular guy is not going to ever bond with your gay friend. Sure stay in contact with him, talk on the phone, shop, watch Project Runway, Facebook each other, but we don’t’ want him around us and we certainly don’t want to do dinner or drinks with him. Sorry to be such a meat-head, but most of us are just not that progressive. Some men may ask you to cut ties all together with your gay friend if you want us to stick around. We’re also very uncomfortable about having him around our children and having to explain his orientation. You’ll have to manage to keep your gay friend at arm’s length with us. He’s a deal breaker. But damn can that dude dress! Do me a favor and ask where he got those shoes and if they come in a color other than chartreuse?